a pretend genius broadsuction
Ask Yeti

Yeti lives deep within the Himalaya Mountains where he hibernates through most of the winter. During the other three seasons, he can be found roaming many different forests throughout the world, and he will often wander into nearby towns to eat small children and pets.  He feasts on campers, hikers, and backpackers quite often.  Yeti owns a jet airplane which he uses to travel from one part of the world to another, and he is an excellent pilot.

Yeti is a remarkably intuitive creature, known for being able to see the future and help people with their usually petty problems.  He is also known for his appetite.  The Yeti is a carnivore and enjoys human flesh.  He is especially intelligent and enjoys classical music, and is an excellent pianist.  Yeti can also play a number of other instruments, including the violin, the trumpet, the saxaphone, the trombone, and the string bass.

Please write to Yeti for advice and keep reading writethis to see his helpful words of wisdom. 


Sometimes therapists need to take some time out in order to understand the world, the craft, the art of helping and the art of second helpings. I have spent a long time roaming the colder regions of the world, helping people discover themselves, helping them get in touch with their inner person, the gooey wonderful center that resides in all of us, the mushy, mucky, bile filed, blood drenched bones and entrails and, well, I have taken many tormented souls to my cave in order to dispel their suffering. I have destroyed painful lives and created bliss, the kind of bliss you get when you eat an excellent meal, and maybe you over eat a bit, and your stomach is on edge and your bowels are leaking out of your rectum, but you don't care, because it's full bodied bliss, like a good beer, like the sweat of scared tourists.

I spent a few months with a wise guru in India, a man who lived in the funeral grounds, covered himself in the ashes of the dead, and chanted to his almighty gods. This appealed to me. In this, I saw something I had never seen before: the totality of death, the way we can immerse ourselves in it, make it a part of every aspect of our lives. I feel this is the key to mental help; it is a psychological key, but more importantly, it is a spiritual key, because death haunts us at every turn, and that feeling people get, that feeling of dread and emptiness, is something I feel I need to inspire in people, because it is this feeling that can open one up to new worlds of fulfillment, the kind of fulfillment one gets when one eats a large meal and has had a variety of tastes cascade over their tongue.

Nonetheless, I am returning to my job, but I never had very many people write in to me, and I never really enjoyed the job, so my hope is to give you, dear reader, a periodic, inspirational, philosophical, and primarily spiritual article here and there, when the muse strikes me and my stomach rumbles. Please feel free to write my secretary at pacowkorea@gmail.com if you need help or if you have any questions of me, and feel free to send your full name, address and phone number as well as a $10.00 donation that will be applied to the founding and funding of a new church I am going to be opening up known as the Church of Yeti. For more information on the Church of Yeti, please wait. You will know. You will all know.

Yours truly, Yeti.
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vol. iii, issue ii
may 9, 2006