a pretend genius broadsuction
A Letter from Ted Gaggard
(i'm not gay, i'm just gay in real life)*
Ted Gaggard

Dear public,

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I know Mike Jones has stones.  And he is casting them.

First, I want to say that I’m the victim here. A wolf in sheep’s clothing preyed upon my sense of morality and Christianity. This beast Mike Jones lured me in with a false ad depicting him in a Santa outfit. I thought here was a God fearing, Santa loving man with a body that Jesus might have had. Here was a man who wasn’t trying to destroy Christmas. Not like those gay-loving, drug-popping, atheist Liberals who want people to wear dashikis, hold hands and chant, all the while forgetting that Christmas is an American tradition. As American as Jesus and the Easter Bunny. I don’t even know what a dashiki is but it doesn’t sound too darn Christian to me. Excuse my French.

All I wanted was a massage. I’d been tense. The Lord hadn’t spoken to me for days. I missed Him. I almost started smoking. And smoking is a sin. I didn’t want to start sinning. No sir. Therefore, I got a hold of this demon Mike Jones and told him I’d been tense. He said come on over to my place because he had some tea and candles there. And everybody knows I love tea. I drink it so much with my congregation. Bless them. Just the other day we were drinking tea, talking about the beautiful Colorado autumn.

When I got to the apartment of Mike Jones, he offered to sell me some pills to relax my nerves. I bought them but I never used them. I told him I’d hold on to them if the massage didn’t work. I undressed and lay on my stomach there on the table, going over in my head verses from the Bible that I’d be using during my next sermon, thinking about my next conversation with George who I talk to every week. Our president George. I call him George because bush is one of them sin words. Sort of like dick, whom I call Cheney.

My thoughts were just cascading and whooshing and catharthasizing when Mike Jones began rubbing my shoulders. I remember him asking me how it felt. I said okay but not too relaxing. I needed to relax I said. There was much work to be done. Faith. The Lord. Abortion. Gay marriage. He had to do more, like what Jesus did for Lazarus, amen. Like what Jesus did for the blind man, amen. Like what Jesus did for humankind when he forsook himself I said, amen.

He said he wanted to try a new experimental massage technique that he’d just learned in massage school. I said sure. Go ahead Mike Jones. Just as long as you do it in a God fearing, God loving way. He told me to turn on my back and so I did. I did it so innocently. I stretched out like Jesus on the cross. I love the Lord and his son so much that I wanted to lie down on that massage table just as Jesus hung on that cross. To suffer as he suffered.

Then Mike Jones started at my toes. I confess that I felt an immediate calm come over me. Then he worked on my calves. Oh my flock, my flock I thought. They would reap the rewards of this massage. I wouldn’t be so tense. I’d preach as I used to preach when I was young. He worked on my thighs for a few minutes. And then he started working on my testicles. I say testicles because balls is a sin word. Mike Jones lifted up my penis and licked my testicles for a while. He licked them for a good, long while. I remember asking him if he loved the Lord and he said yes. I remember asking him if Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, was his savior. And he said yes. Hallelujah

He licked my testicles until my phone rang. It was my God fearing, God loving wife. I told her I was getting a massage. I told her that Mike Jones was licking my testicles. I told her that Mike Jones loved the Lord. Amen, she said. Amen. I wish she would have said something to me or warned me in some way but she said later she didn’t even know what ‘licking testicles’ meant. She loved the Lord so much.

It wasn’t until later when I saw this vicious interlocutor on television that I learned there was no new massage technique and that I had been duped by this devil, by this con man. Defrauded by a fake masseuse who instead of giving me a massage, ‘licked my balls’ as one of my kids told me. ‘Massaged my nuts with his tongue’ as another one of my kids said. I still didn’t understand. If I had known then that massages were a sin, I wouldn’t have gone back and gotten my anus massaged by his penis. Or as my kids said ‘got my asshole stuffed by his ramrod’.

This man, Mike Jones, took advantage of the fact that I’m an innocent borne of the Lord’s blessing and that I did not know, I repeat, did not know that getting or giving massages was sinful. I gave him several massages myself and not once, not once did he say, stop Ted, massaging is a sin. I trusted this man, who had the gall to wear Christmas clothes in his ad to lure the faithful, to deceive us into going down a road that none of us knew was sinful. I can only feel sympathy and empathy for all the others fooled into being massaged by Mike Jones.

He knows that I never used them pills that I bought. He knows that all I ever did was get my testicles and anus massaged by him. If I had known...alas, if he had told me that getting a massage was a sin, I would have put on my clothes and walked right out of there, all the while asking the Lord to forgive him. Therefore, if he tells you that I ever took those drugs and got something more than a massage, he’s lying. He’s a liar and a deceiver.

Therefore, in closing, I ask my flock to pray for Mike Jones. Mike Jones may be an evil, disgusting human being, but our prayers can save him. He may be Jewish, which I have reason to believe, but that’s not even worth mentioning. That he’s probably Jewish.

I want to thank WriteThis.com for publishing this anonymously so the truth will out.

May the Lord bless WriteThis.com and all of you,

Ted Gaggard

*subtitle added by writethis.com

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vol. iii, issue iii
nov 5, 2006