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Jan. 21, 2003
volume i, issue ix
oh no, alice
I got a gun. It ain't real but that don't matter. Nobody really know the difference anyways when I stick it up in they face. Like I did to this girl last night. All she did is scream. And yell and flop around and all this other crazy shit. She kept on saying her damn name to me like that would not make me want to fuck her. Or maybe she was trying to get me to fuck her. I ain't never fucked no Alice before. But really alls I wanted was some damn money.

See people like me we need what people like her got. Money. And nice shoes. And good clothes. And watches. Yeah, we need watches so we know what time these fools be getting off ov work so we can go rob they asses. I treat 'em like customers really. I say "Hey, welcome to my street. Now give me yur money bitch-ass!" And then I show 'em the gun. It's a damn good gun. Until Alice, that crazed bitch, broke that shit.

I went up to her all gentlemen like 'cause I know how these bitches are. All playa hatin' on anybody from the streets at first but after you gets to know 'em all they want is a little thug in 'em. So I goes up to her and say "Scuse me lady, you got a light?" Then I stood there all Clark Gable like but more modern, more P Diddy but a little more rugged. I had that smooth but hard look going. I had that shit down. I had it good cause as soon as I said it she damn near broke her leg trying to stop. She's all "Oh, I don't smoke." and all that shit but I wasn't gonna let this shit get away, you know what I'm sayin'?

So I start kicking my game and she was all eatin' it up like she was starving. She was straight up starving for some gangsta shit up in her. Man she was straight diggin' my shit. I was 'bout to just straight kick it with her, maybe go back to her place and hit it some but I had other shit to do that night. So I start walking her down this alley where I do my business you know. Not out where the po po can come and snatch me or some other damn fool and come try to be Superdude or whatever. I ain't no fighter. I ain't trying to get all up and sweaty and breakin' bones and that shit. Man I could prolly kill somebody if I throw a punch with all my might. I seriously hurt 'em. Damn fools, running up on me.

Anyway, I took her back in that alley, gave her my line. My line that I done put a paten on it. "Hey, welcome to my street. Now give me yur money bitch-ass!" It's all about delivery. It's all about timing and shit. Right when I say money that's when I break out the gun and I kind ov really give it to 'em on 'bitch-ass' for that added extra dimension ov effect. You know.

So I said that shit and she went up and started actin' a fool. Screaming her name "Oh I'm Alice, I'm Alice, Oh, Oh my god." And all that shit. Looking damn stupid. I was 'bout to shoot her ass but my gun didn't have any bullets in it. It was fake. So I just yelled at her. "Shut the fuck up Alice! Before I shoot yur ass!"

She did. Then I thought damn. I got mad game. I could probably make her suck my dick right now. She probably wanted to. The way she was eyeing me up and shit. She probably wanted to lick my asshole or some other kind ov freaky shit. Fucking freak. I was about to let her go right then because I was just like "Damn, why don't I just do what she wants me to do and then rob her ass." But then she just went off again. She looked like Jackie Chan but like a more bitch version ov it. All this monkey jumping and shit acting all crazed. I was like damn these rich girls got crazy ways ov wanting to sex people up! But she kicked the shit out ov my hand and broke my damn gun.

"My name is Alice!"

That scared the shit out ov me. Who the fuck got to be yellin' yur own name? I picked up the piece ov my gun and ran. I ain't scared to tell you that. This bitch is crazed. I ain't never fucking with no Alice again. Never.

Broke my damn gun. I really should ov punched her. But that ain't my style.

But damn.

Fucking Alice broke my damn gun.

j. tyler blue ©2003
fucking alice
j. tyler blue