The best writing in the world, period.  There is proof.
Jan. 5, 2003
volume i, issue viii
reading lesson #2
lesson 1: reading fundamentalisms¹

reading fundamentalisms: lesson ii¹

as you read this, think to yourself that this reminds me of cocteau's penetration poems to his dutch neighbor's fourteen-year-old portuguese daughter¹ª. in this way, you will sound sincere in your understanding when discussing this lesson. for we must never read a work without thinking of another work. we must read it and always search for references to other works to fill in the whirly voids. this is an essential element in overcoming what is called the i can't make sense of this shit on its own conundrum. if you are able to read the first paragraph or line of any work and say with confidence 'this hearkens back to vergil'² or 'this does not remind me of e.e. cummings' then you will be able to speak the language of the literati²ª fluently.

bleeding points:

1. symbols

finding symbolism in a work is an important factor in making reading easier. for example, the word 'the' is symbolic of purposeful misrepresentation and means something other than what it means. i am symbolizing right now. the. the. the. there are other such words: missile, carnation, entombment. sometimes more than one word comprises a symbol. that is very tricky. finding symbols in a work makes it easier to connect it to other works hence making understanding understandable to others.

2. miniscule relegation

this method of reading (related to symbols) reduces a work to 2 or 3 ideas. if one is an excellent reader, a work can be reduced to 1 idea. good method for college students.

3. maxicule reprobation

the opposite of miniscule relegation. this reading method (also related to symbols) increases a work into large unrepressed metafececal obliterators. in this way one may write 212 pages on a 1 page work. excellent method for college professors. a reputation maker. side effects include complete destruction of original work.

4. guava dipping

this is an advanced reading method in which the first letter of every other word summed by its numerical value then divided by negative pi, reveals a work's one and true meaning. at this point one may definitively say 'this draws parallels to the angst felt by shaka zulu's mother as she cried out to her white butler 'mamma need some lovin' real bad James''.

5. brainstamping³

a controversial reading method in which the reader cuts the top of his/her cranium off and places a work directly onto the brain matter. by using this method, however, the reader will understand more about his/herself through the work they are reading than they will understand the work itself. this method is usually reserved for reading things that are something and therefore seldom used.
it is important as a reader to remember that most things written aren't something, so it is better to read them instead of those things that are something because most people read things that aren't something, so when you read something that is something, you are reading what most people aren't reading, and if you are reading what most people aren't reading, there is no way to use any of the above methods (with the exception of brainstamping) to globalize underlying themes that rise to the surface.


let us take the following excerpt and use the maxicule reprobation reading method to further our understanding of it and discuss it while chair-sitting:

"Last night I was someone else."³ª

the very gooder readers immediately read into this the long suffering of a jungian proto-archetypal character intent on maladroiting the kantian categoricalnot imperativessuperlatives. indeed, its literary texture resounds distant echoes of sartre's disjointed but influential unpublished works with a dash of, dare i say, winnie the pooh meets hedda gabbler in the bushes. this reminds me of shakespeare.


1. the maxicule reprobation reading method is:

a. ( ) i don't know
b. ( ) a reading method described above
c. ( ) i am dissolving
d. ( ) two pears

2. brainstamping is:

a. ( ) this one
b. ( ) not this one
c. ( ) a and b
d. ( ) a,b,c, and d

3. guava dipping is to plutarch as richard nixon is to ___________

a. ( ) i'm thinking of a letter that begins with undulate
b. ( ) sometimes when we touch
c. ( ) the honesty's too much
d. ( ) vicissimilitude

4. ho di do e do di do

a. ( ) 3/2
b. ( ) last night's dream erected
c. ( ) don't cry for me greenland
d. ( ) pontoon love


re-read the above lesson and find the the that symbolizes a woman in a short skirt bending over to pull up her panties that slipped down to her ankles after she sneezed.

next lesson:

identifying works that are and works that aren't.


¹ formerly known as lesson i, part ii referencing for cocktail parties
¹ªshe was very big for fourteen.
² it is not necessary to actually read the other works.
²ªa reader must receive written permission from the literati to speak about certain works.
³ this method has been deemed useless by the literati and book critics, as it offers very few talking points other than the work itself.
³ªvortex, merging on highways with orange barrels ©2001

sean. ©2002