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Apr. 15, 2003
volume i, issue xii
andalusian kiss

Lily was masturbating at the precise moment her dog was run over by a car. Larry's favorite song 'lick the hem of caesar's dress' played on the radio while he ironed the curtains.

I was in the park, kissing a girl (who happened to be from Andalusia) on her neck. She liked me. Or so she said. I liked her too, but I also liked Lily, who I could see through her window while she masturbated. I didn't know her name was Lily then. I found this out later.

The Andalusian girl had periwinkle eyes, which were the color of my bedroom slippers. I was wearing black dress shoes and my feet suddenly felt confined. The Andalusian girl said that she had been pregnant for six years.

the lily analysis

In response to the Lily Analysis, Eidelbert moved to Berlin because he thought his name sounded German. Other expatriates set him up with a small room above an abandoned paperclip warehouse and left him to his own devices. He collected loose paperclips that he found and made miniature sculptures out of them. Paper clips were the wire of life, he thought. He didn't think much else. The effect of the Lily Analysis on him was the suppression of any kind of reflective facility he had. It was, in a word, numbing. He did learn a few German words like sückmybigazdichenshaft, which he used on special occasions when he had one or two lady friends over, but beyond his paperclip sculptures, he didn't keep much company.

don't jettison the fuel pods larry

Larry usually jettisoned the fuel pods when he was in trouble. That was to prevent explosion on impact. But he needed the fuel pods to break through the atmosphere just in case he made it to the planet. If only the neudists on Neustar Alpha 7 would respond to his distress call, all might not be lost. He thought about apples.

"Larry, are you finished ironing the curtains?" Lily asked him.

"No", Larry said.

He couldn't concentrate on the curtains because he could see Lily masturbating in the living room. She mentally compiled a list of men that she had fucked or wanted to fuck and rubbed away. She thought about Eidelbert and wondered what he was doing. This made her stop masturbating. Then she wondered about the weather in Berlin and the time difference between there and here, which made her look at the clock, which was a gift from her parents, which reminded her of the time she fucked some guy named Mitch at her parent's house when she was seventeen. She started masturbating again and rubbed her way through the list.

"Mitch, are you finished ironing the curtains?" Lily asked.

"No", Larry said.

so soft

Lily masturbating in the window was good television. The Andalusian girl was so wrapped up in herself that she couldn't see this.

"So I've been pregnant for six years", she said.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" I asked her. "When is it due? Will you breast-feed?"

"I don't know if it is a boy or a girl, but I can have it whenever I want", she said. "It's some special kind of pregnancy. It has something to do with my ovaries. They are genetically superior."

Andalusia is part of Spain. I didn't think there were any genetically superior things in Spain, but Spain is very close to Portugal, so it was possible. But I loved kissing her neck. So soft. And she smelled so good. Whenever I kissed her neck she would let my hand slip into her blouse and feel those soft breasts. I kissed her neck a lot, partly because of her soft breasts and partly because I could see Lily masturbating through her window.

lick the hem of caesar's dress

The song that played on the radio, lick the hem of caesar's dress, was the number one song in several countries, including Taiwan. Larry, who was never one to stray far from the majority, considered it his favorite tune. It had a nice beat, down lyrics, and a hook that appealed to drunken masses.

Lick the hem.

Lick the hem.

Lick the hem of caesar's dress.



Larry liked the video also and recorded it the last time it was on his favorite video channel.


None at this time.

lily assless

Eidelbert was almost finished his sculpture of Lily. It was the one life-size piece he worked on to the detriment of his beloved miniatures. He thought about how the miniatures would feel with a giant Lily towering over them, but in the end he just couldn't resist. He went down to the warehouse to find more paperclips. He turned over boxes and looked on dusty shelves, but he found no more. He was troubled. His Lily sculpture wasn't finished. There was only her ass left to do and he couldn't imagine Lily without an ass. So he started taking away the paperclips that made up Lily's face and used them to round out the shape of her ass. He worked tirelessly through the night and when he was done removing the paperclips from Lily's face and connecting them together to make her ass, he fell asleep. The sculpture of Lily didn't look down on him as he slept.

goddamit larry

The XR3R3R3 Skyhawk started to shake. Larry panicked and jettisoned the fuel pods. God dammit, he thought. God dammit all to hell.

"Larry, are you finished ironing the curtains?" Lily asked.

"No", Larry said.

He stopped looking at Lily in the living room. Lily was near the end of her list. Her mind kept coming back to the same names and her masturbating began to lose some of its pleasure. But she looked through the window and saw a man and a woman kissing in the park. The man was feeling the woman up pretty good and that turned Lily on. She thought about the word titties. She fixed her eyes on the man and continued masturbating.

what about the dog?

It wasn't a dumb dog. It just didn't know the limitations of its ability. We'll say that it was a brave dog. Not dumb. Brave.

as eidelbert slept

As Eidelbert slept, the Lily sculpture started to move. The right arm, which was stretched out and pointing west, shifted lower down to its hip. The arm moved slowly. At two o'clock it was at a forty-five degree angle to the floor.

At the same time that the arm was at a forty-five degree angle to the floor, a knock came on the door of Eidelbert's room. Eidelbert did not answer it because he was sleeping.

At three o'clock, when the arm was only a few inches from the Lily sculpture's hip, Eidelbert was still sleeping.

thinking of lily in my periwinkle slippers

I decided that I would show the Andalusian girl a magic trick. I took out two coins from the little room left in my pocket and put them in my hand. I closed my hand and said 'look at my hand'. I opened my hand and the coins were gone. She shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't like magic", she said.

She turned her back on me and started to walk away. I looked into the window where Lily was masturbating and saw that the curtains had been closed. It was frustrating knowing that Lily was in there masturbating and I couldn't watch.

I looked at the Andalusian girl's ass and I thought that life was still great. I caught up with her. I reached into her blouse and pulled out the two coins.

"I have to go now", she said. "It's time to have my baby."

I took off my shoes.

how to use a telephone in different foreign countries

Larry finished ironing the curtains and put them back on the curtain rods. Lily stopped masturbating because she had run out of names on her mental list and Larry had covered the window so she couldn't see the man and woman in the park. The smell of her sex was still fresh in the air and she turned to Larry and said: "come here baby", which made Larry think of his favorite song. He shook his head and walked into the kitchen.

Lily continued masturbating, going over the mental list she had compiled one more time. After she was done, she picked up a book. She always felt like reading after she came. She read a lot. Larry didn't read much. Lily read books like If Your Name is Susie, Don't Fix Me Any Drinks and How To Use a Telephone in Different Foreign Countries. She wasn't stupid. Still, she wondered what Eidelbert was doing. She didn't accidentally turn to Germany in her How To Use a Telephone in Different Foreign Countries book, did she? Maybe it was just a coincidence.

Ghana was next.

the wire of life

Eidelbert woke up to see his Lily sculpture and the miniatures scattered on the floor. My god, he thought, what happened while I slept. He would never know--never be able to piece the night together. It would be a mystery to him for as long as he lived. He opened the window and looked outside. He saw nothing. He was upset that all of his sculptures were ruined. Then the clouds moved away and sunlight reached his little room. It occurred to him that he had a lot of paper clips now.

sean. ©2003
how to use a telephone in different foreign countries