June 13, 2003
volume i, issue xv
An Essay on Tree Roots
Valerie F. De Daulles

Most people are not aware of the wondrous nature of tree roots. They think a tree root is something you dig up from the ground with heavy equipment and let lay around in your living room until you can't stand the rotting smell anymore. But those people don't know the incredible backstory of tree roots, even if they do know what "packing wood below" means.

For example, when anagramed, "tree roots" spells out "Ester Toro," the name of a famous Spanish bull who actually only had the body of a male. In truth, she was a peace-loving cow. When she refused to fight matadors in the ring, she was slaughtered and carved up for the Feast of the Big, Dead Bull. Remarkably, however, none of the festival chefs could ever locate her Rocky Mountain oysters. An HBO movie was later based on her life. Entitled "Normal," it starred Tom Wilkinson and Jessica Lange, and nobody liked it. But tree roots have more significance than wordplay. If a tree root falls in the forest and no one is there, can the lumber industry get picketed by the Sierra Club? Philosophers over the centuries have yet to get to the root of this conundrum. Forestry engineers, too, have mulled over it, as they can't understand how a tree root can fall, but such engineers fail to appreciate tree roots as an abstraction.

Ever wonder where root beer comes from? The Glenvoor weevil lives in fir tree roots, and when this insect passes on, it rots and turns into beer. The fir tree combines with the beer to suction out the alcohol content (the devil juice of American infidels) and convert it to harmless root beer, which is collected in little syringes by root beer sap farmers. It's no surprise that root beer is the state beer of Utah.

And what about trees with no roots at all? Do not eat them or smoke them! They are poisonous and have been planted throughout our continent by Alcoa terrorists who have infiltrated the EPA. It's recommended you hit those trees with a shoe and escape as quickly as you can.

The vast majority of tree roots, however, are beneficial and harmless and only serve to enhance our quality of life and the lives of our children and the lives of their children, should they have any, if they have wandered into sin too young in life. One thing many people often overlook is that, when Joe Lumberjack cries out, "Tim-ber!" and another Redwood bites the dust, the tree roots are still intact, still clinging to the soil, still preserving our American heritage. Amen.

Further reading: The website "http://www.tlcfortrees.info/tree_root_myths.htm" shatters many tree root myths that haunt us to this very day.

valerie f. de daulles ©2003