i am all here to kill myself
A worthwhile competitor I have been. This gun in an able hand is better than those two pens at my desk. A logical arrangement of words should not be too difficult but a gun is much easier.
I am gathered me today to discuss this matter of condition. As I know, I have had a running loss of 30% functionality in each of the last three quarters. It's past time to get together and decide where to go from here. I "Derek", and I "John", and I "Murial", and I "Bert", and I "Whimsy", and I there in the corner "Gertie". It's unfortunate this is all of me that can be here today, but I must consider it a quorum. Derek, any ideas?
Derek: It's easy, man. Become real. I have been pursuing empty fancies.
Murial: I should not be hasty. I'm not so sure I'm ready to concede a problem here. I see nothing wrong in having a little fun. I always have time to die.
Bert: That's not so true anymore. It's time to reap today what i sowed yesterday.
Murial: We can do without the aphorisms.
Whimsy: Maybe I can do a little of both at the same time.
Bert: And get there at twice the time and distracted. Get there now. Get out of here.
John: What is most important is that I do what makes me content. To sit back and experience fully what most interests me at a given moment.
Whimsy: Well it sounds like I have it pretty well figured out, John. What is it that makes me happy now?
Bert: Fuck no, I'm not content. It's all over. I used to be the driving life-force, the one urging me onward.
Murial: The eternal optimist.
John: Obviously, what makes me happy now is this little talk I am having.
Murial: I don't know. I think I'd rather be elsewhere.
John: That's fine too.
Murial: How's that?
John: I have to expect to have conflicting urges but pursue the one that best immediately feels right.
Derek: Hold on. I think the first thing I ought to do is to take a vote and see how many feel there is a problem here. I happen to feel there is. Murial?
Bert: Definitely. Definitely.
Whimsy: I don't know yet. I want to weigh all the facts.
John: I suppose I create my own problems.
Bert: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
John: If I believe I have a problem then I do.
Derek: I take it that's a yes(?) Maybe I'll convince the rest of me that I need a course of action even if I don't have a 'problem'. Bert, what would I say is my problem exactly?
Bert: I'm a lazy slob. I've been acting on Murial's impulses forever. It's a foolish wasted life. Death should not be stumbled upon but worked toward.
Murial: I stumbled upon this, right?
Bert: And what's this? This is nothing.
Murial: I'm not opposed to working on it but there is nothing wrong in enjoying myself now.
Bert: Bullshit. It's over. It's time to do it.
Whimsy: Maybe I'm right.
John: I'm always right.
Gertie: Shut up.
Derek: I think one thing I need is a longer attention span. Gertie, it's gonna be the death of me.
Bert: I hope not. C'mon. Think about it. Make something out of this moment. A splash.
John: It's time to use Dugan.
Derek: Where is Dugan?
Bert: Always hiding, I tell me. I really need Dugan. Dugan? Dugan?
Gertie: I have a Dugan?!
Bert: Goddamn it. Dugan's here. Somewhere. Dugan's here. C'mon Dugan, show.
Dugan: Out of the mouth of babes...
Whimsy: What was that?
John, Bert, Murial, Gertie, Derek, Dugan: That was me.
Bert: C'mon Dugan baby. Do it.
Dugan: I'm doing my best.
Whimsy: Hi, Dugan.
Gertie: Shut up.
Dugan: Well it's all up to me, isn't it?
Derek: That's right.
Derek: I'm here to discuss an issue. I don't all agree it is a problem but it's something I all agree is worth discussing. The solution seems so simple to me, though.
Dugan: Then I don't need me.
Bert: It's death. Only death.
Derek: No, Dugan. Give it a try.
Dugan: I will steal from the public domain. "Only instruct me, goddess, if you will, how, if possible, can I pass Kharybdis, or fight off Skylla when she raids my crew?" Swiftly that loveliest goddess answered me: "Must you have battle in your heart forever? The bloody toil of combat? Old contender, will you not yield to the immortal gods? That nightmare cannot die, being eternal evil itself - horror, and pain, and chaos; there is no fighting her, no power can fight her, all that avails is flight. Lose headway there along that rockface while you break out arms, and she'll swoop over you, I fear, once more, taking one man again for every gullet. No, no, put all your backs into it, row on; invoke Blind Force, that bore this scourge of men, to keep her from a second strike against you...
John: Very nice. I could lose myself in that.
Bert: Appropriate. Beautiful. And a reason as good as naught. I can't exactly call myself the reincarnation of Homer.
Derek: The reincarnation of 30 translators and rewriters after Homer.
Gertie: Cotton mouth.
Dugan: It's translated, but isn't it perfect?
Derek: These pages seem to be filling up.
Bert: But that doesn't mean I've done shit.
TIME has passed. Three more quarters at least. And now I have all assembled once again. That is, Derek, John, Murial, Bert, Whimsy, and Gertie. Missing for now are Dugan and Felice. Who's Felice? It is Derek who again chairs.
Derek: Well, hello once again all.
Bert: It's about time. I've been trying to get me all together for this for a long fricking time.
Whimsy: What it is.
Derek: I think the first order of business should be how I are all doing. How is the health of all of me and have any of me changed at all. Gertie, I always worried a little about me. Why don't I give me the first report.
Bert: I all worry about Gertie.
Gertie: Bert worries about the weather. Listen, I know that I don't want to be here and I still don't want to be here. Does that answer the question?
Bert: Then why be here?
Gertie: I don't have the same luxuries afforded Dugan and what's-the-name.
Gertie: Uh- Felice? Is that the name? Fuck all, who cares?
Derek: Well I guess this shows that Gertie is alive and well. Whimsy, I look as confused as ever.
Murial: Well... (long pause)
Derek: Yes, skip it for right now. Uh, John. What's my usually silly outlook right now?
John: Only silly? Of all the words that I hope would be possible to describe me, of all the various manifestations and opportunities that I think I am, silly is the word that will hang me?
Derek: Uh- it seemed at least appropriate. But not let me offend sensibilities...
Gertie: At least John's silliness tries to say something. Unlike Bert's anger.
Derek: How do I feel?
John: I'm here; I'm still able; there's a lot to be accomplished; in a sense, a new era is starting. Basically, I'm all still the same.
Derek: Okay. Um...
Bert: C'mon get on with it. If I can't conduct a meeting, Derek, I'll take it over and at least something will happen and isn't that what it is all about? ( ) Hell I'll just answer that myself. That's what it's all about but I need the rest of me to decide to go with. I can't do it alone. But I'm the drive. Derek, I should share responsibilities more. I all know how important I am.
Derek: Bert, Murial is scared.
Bert: Murial should be scared. I wish I could scare Gertie.
John: I think Bert and Murial are both afraid.
Bert: Fine. I have the upper hand right now. I intend to keep it.
Derek: I think this is the thrust or should be the thrust of the meeting. It is apparently the most pressing matter. Bert, let's remember I am talking about the very existence of part of me. Bert, tell me about it.
Bert: Look, it's very obvious to me all that it is me that is the essential ingredient in the life force. With just me a life force could survive or at least would be capable of surviving for awhile. If I all want to survive then what I all must do is make the decision that Murial and me are mutually exclusive and I must cut the parasite.
Derek: Strong language.
Bert: My greatest problem is letting Murial insidiously slip back into being a dominative force. I must expunge!
Whimsy: I agree.
John: I am subject to change, but I tend to agree.
Murial: I'm not gonna roll over.
Derek: I don't find this easy. Gertie, how do I feel?
Gertie: Fuck off. Leave me out of it. Go away.
John: Murial, I must admit, even if I don't like me that much... Is that true?
Murial: (hesitantly) Yeah.
Bert: Let me do it...
Derek: Can we do it?
Murial: I can't do it. I can't leave. I certainly don't want to die.
John: Can it sing?
Bert: We know it can dance. And here is the gun. And, motherfucker, here's my hand around it. Start dancing, bitch. You're about to see Felice.
chi chi ©2003