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writeThis.com
the suicide issue
"the confrontation of aesthetics..."
vol. i,  issue xviii
Aug. 15, 2003
writeThis
jul/aug  2003






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Bryan E. died on August 9th, 2003, shortly after completing the short story, "The Divine Machine."  He took his own life using a razor while resting comfortably in a warm bath.  He leaves behind indifferent friends and annoyed family members.  The following note was found beside the bathtub Bryan's corpse was wading in, it is full of suicide note cliches and drunken misspellings:

Dear crule word:

This life is not for me.  I have beeen scorched, i have beeeen scorrrrned, by the love.  I lovedf yher.  I LOVED HER< I DID.  And she scorened me.  This is what it is all about.  Love, you know.  In this deep dark world where shit is shit and nonshit si something else togetherall, we see the lgiht in other humenbeings as being our friends and lovers and love is what it is all about but I am mostly worthless.  My life means nothing in the end if it means nothing to you.  YOu know who you are, you heartless bitch.  I hipe you are scuumbled with guiltyness.  I hope your baones ache from the crying.  I am no tears.  I am in a pool of blood soon.  I am the wolrd's last blech. 

Thi8s is what it all mean:  nothing matters.  the world is devoid of meaing.  i am born only to die so i must take that fate in hand.  fuck you god.  this is a bigtime fuck you.  up to the sky.  fuck you big guy.  you can see me here but guess what no death is coming knocking on my door, i am knocking on it;s.  because there is no heaven and there is no hell and all there is after this is a big nothing, and all this is is a precurser to nothing, and i am bored becasuee whay tdddoes it mean in the end?  you know?  nothing.  because you can do all you want but that's okay you know.  because it amounts to nothing.  unless there is another who can look at you weith theee longing eyes and think "I canntp live on this world without you.  this wor;ld is osmething....something becasusee because of you."  and as I hold this drink in hand and write this worth whit all my mightyness.  i can say.  alone.  forever.  might as well be in the dark.  come sweet darkness, come sweet nothing, i await your healthy embrace.  these mortal worries are not  worries worth worrying.  i only cared about you, her, you know, the she, the beautiful of my life, the only thing worth being alive for, and she went away and batted an eye and went away and fell out of the sky only to refuse to fall into my arms, the angel ignores the one who wants to be saved, the fallen angel ignores the one who wants to put her on high.   Oh Woe is me.  that's right.  Woe.  Nothing but the WOe.  pretty preetty girl.  she did not love me.  no one loves me.  that is okay.  i will go away.  i am a waste of space.  i am using up prescious resoucrsds.  that's okay.  i'w ill gho away.  i have written, in final words, a poem:

i'w ill gho away
okay
sweep my troubles away
and i'w ill fall as leep
into no other day

thank you, have a nice day, fuckers