Dawn of a New Day
With all the “IQ of a moth,” frat-boy mentality coming out of the modern heavy metal scene, one might think an album aimed at something other than “Nookie,” being a cowboy, a “Freak on a Leash” or an indecipherable leather-clad gimp might be a worthwhile event. But they would be wrong.
Even as most mainstream heavy metal acts rest at the sad peak of frat-ready dumb fun, anything beats this religious soap opera gone wrong of a concept album overflowing with slicker-than-thou keyboards, guitar leads that would make Nigel Tufnel blush with embarrassment, and bible passages sung with all the tense, genuine heartfelt passion of American Idol runner-up Justin Guarini, or say, a sloth on opium.
Maybe God just doesn’t rock. Maybe with all the creating and salvation, he just didn’t have time to practice his fingering. Or maybe we should just leave the dissection of the mysteries of the universe to people who don’t own drum pads, double-necked guitars, or more than sixteen cases of Australian hair care products.
Still, Think of Three (a reference to the holy trinity) maintain that it is indeed “God's hand at work bringing us together to make a new sound.”
Perhaps God has been busy for the last forty years. Surely this album would have sounded revolutionarily cheesy in say, 1966. But after “UFH,” “Spinal Tap,” “Spring Time for Hitler” and the “Teletubies,” the only edges found on this record are on the plastic corners of the jewel case.
Still, this is not to say “Day of a New Day” is a completely purposeless record. In fact, here is a short list of just some of the many uses for this, and any future Think of Three releases:
-coaster for the frosty 40 ounce beverage of your choice
-something to throw at Christians
-tobacco delivery device accessory
-hors d'oeuvres tray at party for the reclusive moody rock critic of your choice
-poor man’s engagement ring
-companion bookmark for Salman Rushdie’s Satanic Verses.
-quasi-fashionable, highly blasphemous coke mirror
-Cindy Lauper-style 80’s retro earrings
-highly ironic space-age Yamaka
-etch-a-sketch for the mentally challenged
-white trash bicycle reflector
-test frames for the new Bootsy Collins line of semi-quality sunglasses
-Christmas present for the deaf religious
-something to look at while under the influence of two or more hits of LSD
-cockring for your well-endowed pet grasshopper
-stencil for a tattoo of Jesus Christ’s holiest of holies
-talisman of cringeworthy musical crimes against God
-Bjork’s outfit at the next major awards show
-snow shoes for midgets
-gift knee-pads for Devo fans
-rejected Herbie Hancock guitar pick
-highly frustrating chastity belt head
-gag Frisbee at Islamic Jihad annual picnic
-fly, spider, cockroach, or other arthropod, arachnid, or insect squashing device
-a pick-me-up for the Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, or Buddhists in your life (to show them how lame Christians can really be).
-wrist-slitting tool for the uncommitted atheist with just the smallest trace of a death wish
-(and my personal favorite) world’s least effective, but most painful diaphragm.
josh davis ©2003