We are grieved to have to bring you this appalling news today, but it seems that a scandal has rocked the literary world in the last few weeks. While it is true that two of the stories published by Writethis.com (Gather and Sing by Willie Davis & Sour Milk by Wayne Bowman) and one story written by one of our editors published in another e-zine (deadDrunkdublin) made the list of notable stories of the year 2004 for the storySouth Million Writer's award short story contest, it appears that none of them, not one single one, none, has made the top ten. Go see for yourselves: HERE. At the urging of thousands of our outraged readers, we sent out our snappy team of investigators to sort out what we believed to be, in the least, a misunderstanding and, in or at, the most, outright fraud and debauchery. What they discovered puts Watergate, the French government, and Mother Teresa's money laundering schemes to shame. Evidence of bribery, collusion, prostitution, gambling, crack dealing, and worst of all shenanigans. Shenanigans dear readers, shenanigans. We know you'd like to know all the parties involved in this disgrace but we're not going to name names because those places haven't yet earned the right to be mentioned in this, the finest literary e-zine in the history of the world. All we can say is that every single e-zine on that list (except for ours and that other one) was involved. No punishment is too small for this treachery but we believe in handling matters in a civil and courteous fashion and suggest that the cheaters and colluders get a pass this time. It is enough for us that we are the best literary e-zine in the universe and that all of the others drink milk through a straw and use words such as 'cod', 'tendency', 'eye', and 'magazine' to veil the fact that they are dumb. Certainly we are dumb too, but we're not as dumb as they are. And if those aren't words to live by then we don't know what they are. Go read.
"I once fancied myself an alchemist of alcoholic beverages. I’d mix three or four miscellaneous drinks and come up with a mind numbing, fiercely intoxicating concoction that’d put even the most seasoned drunks to bed."
"The other day I noticed Jonathon Blake in the obituaries. Now days it is fairly usual for us to find some one there. Jon Blake was just a little kid when I was a teenager. I knew better Alicia, Jean and Jimmy."
"I cannot concentrate cannot concentrate down on the floor, board by board everything dusty and clean, squareness radiating the night. I lie spent and see the revolving spheres beyond the heavy ceiling now that our universe’s grown too big to bear in one’s mind. I was struck by the fear to rearrange the absence of being or the excess "
"The outline of the volcano pierced the sun above them as they surfed waves of discharge. They would stumble and catch each other every once in a while, then keep pressing on toward nowhere in particular. What was once splashing"
The legendary, ineffing, uhm, ineffable home of filth and genius, writeThis.com, has long felt the time has come for the faithless denizens of literachoo to bring tha’ pain to print. In direct terms we mean to collect the most devastating, filthy, poignant, wretched genius you dear readers (and writers) can come up with (some of us have our doubts), and in collaboration with the infamous Pretend Genius Press, publish the greatest anthology of fiction since the bible: 'fish drink like us'.
If you think you have the skill, the courage, the substanz des genies (?) to have your work appear in this book with like minded and equally gifted persons then submit your very best or worst (we don't do mediocre) to firstname.lastname@example.org
We are accepting poems, flash fiction, short stories, and otherwise unnamable literary creations that spark fires and reflower the mindless masses. There is no theme. Repeat: there is no theme. Work previously accepted by WriteThis.com and/or work submitted to WriteThis.com will also be considered for the Fish Drink Like Us compilation. Acceptance by WriteThis.com, however, does not necessarily mean acceptance for the Fish Drink Like Us compilation. If for any reason you would like to submit to WriteThis.com but not submit to the compilation please let us know.
Submissions are open until May 31, 2005. Those who are accepted will be notified by Aug. 31, 2005.
Expect to have your bookstores invaded. No prisoners will be televised.
Our chief prostitute, the national award winning ad writing editor on vacation this month, once confided to Idi Amin, "I'm tired. If you ever decide to get out of politics there's always a place for you with me in Editing." Reportedly, Mr. Amin winced and gestured toward the horizon. It wasn't long thereafter that the unreported deaths of the underground writers who published writeThis.com finally surfaced. Now beginning their second year of obscurity, these awardless amnesiacs have emerged looking pale and out of time sequence.